Discussing the possibility of a threesome with your partner requires careful consideration, clear communication, and respect for each other’s feelings. It’s a delicate topic that can either open fresh, exciting avenues in your relationship or bring new challenges. Let us guide you through the process, from introspection about your reasons for considering a threesome in the first place, to the practical steps of making it happen if you both agree that three really is the magic number.
Understanding your motivations
Before approaching your partner, it’s important to examine your reasons for wanting a threesome. Ask yourself if you’re seeking to enhance your sexual experience together or if there are underlying issues in your relationship that you’re trying to address. Perhaps you are even becoming bored or frustrated in the relationship and the thought of sex with the same person for the foreseeable future just isn’t doing it for you anymore. All of these feelings are valid, but it’s essential to feel satisfied and secure in your relationship and be honest with your partner before you consider adding another person into the mix. If there are unresolved problems, a threesome is unlikely to be the solution and could complicate things further.
The Dos and Don’ts of raising the topic
Do:
- Choose the right moment: Find a private, comfortable setting where you can have an uninterrupted conversation. Ensure both of you are in a good headspace.
- Be honest and open: Explain your reasons clearly and calmly. Emphasise that your desire for a threesome doesn’t diminish your love and attraction to your partner. Talk about ‘we’ and ‘us’ rather than ‘me’ and ‘I’ when it comes to how you think it could enhance your sexual experience. Perhaps it is even something the two of you have talked about previously.
- Listen to their feelings: Your partner’s comfort and consent are paramount. Be prepared to listen and accept their feelings, whether they’re interested, hesitant, or opposed.
Don’t:
- Pressure or coerce: Your partner’s consent is crucial. Never pressure them into agreeing. If they’re not interested, respect their decision.
- Bring it up during sex: Discussing this while being intimate can put undue pressure on your partner. It’s better to talk about it in a neutral setting.
- Make comparisons: Avoid making your partner feel inadequate by comparing them to others or implying that they’re not enough.
Handling the aftermath sensitively
Regardless of your partner’s reaction, it’s essential to handle their response with sensitivity and care. If they’re open to the idea, proceed with open discussions about boundaries, expectations, and concerns. If they’re not interested, reassure them of your commitment and respect for their boundaries. This conversation can be an opportunity to learn more about each other’s desires and limits sexually, strengthening your relationship.
Proceeding with a threesome
If you both decide to explore having a threesome, here are some steps to consider:
- Set clear boundaries: Discuss what is and isn’t acceptable during the threesome, including sexual acts, protection and contraception, and any no-go zones. Make sure you are on the same page as a couple before you begin conversations with a third.
- Communication is key: Ensure all parties involved are aware of and agree to these boundaries. Continuous communication before, during, and after is essential. Make it clear whether you are looking for a one-off experience or a regular arrangement, or you want to keep things fluid.
- Finding the right third: Consider using reputable apps or websites designed for people looking for threesomes. Alternatively, if you’re thinking about asking someone you know, ensure it’s someone you both trust and feel comfortable with. However, be mindful of the potential complications that can arise from involving a friend or acquaintance who you will continue to interact with socially or professionally.
- Health and safety: Prioritise consent, use protection, and discuss STI testing to ensure everyone’s health and safety. Safe words are also useful so there are no misunderstandings when everyone is lost in the moment.
Remember, a threesome should be a mutually enjoyable experience that enhances your relationship. It’s not a fix for existing issues. By approaching the topic with honesty, sensitivity, and open communication, you can make an informed decision together, whether it’s to explore this fantasy or focus on other ways to enrich your relationship.
