The Bad Things About Blow Jobs

As a woman, performing oral sex on your significant other can be a pretty great feeling. Hell, it’s not often giving without receiving makes you feel good but in this instance, it surely can be. Pleasuring your partner puts you in control and knowing they’ve enjoyed what you can do can bring you closer together, and not to mention it will give you a welcome ego boost! But guys, when it comes to blow jobs, it’s not always bunny rabbits and rainbows. In fact, we women over time have stumbled across some significant drawbacks when it comes to giving you head, and here’s what they are…

I am definitely not going to have an orgasm

As much as we might not like to admit it, yes, we’re selfish when it comes to, well, coming, and sometimes giving head sucks – literally! So we hold our heads high and perform a selfless act in the hope that we might possibly get a tickle in return. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s never about giving to receive so sometimes, you’ve just got to suck it up (no pun intended) and put your partner’s needs before you own.

What do I do with my teeth?

Seriously though, what do I do with them? Sometimes, it seems the best possible option is simply removing them but obviously this isn’t plausible unless you’re wearing dentures. As if it isn’t hard enough opening your mouth to the point of getting lockjaw, you’ve also got to fashion a way to shield your teeth from his shaft. For goodness sake, if only getting your gums to his girth was easier!

Do I spit or swallow?

It’s like Sophie’s choice. A huge decision. The million pound question. If I spit, I’m going to have to do a puddle run and carry this godforsaken specimen to the bathroom toilet where it belongs. If I swallow, that shit’s gonna coat my throat for hours to come and leave me with a lingering taste of shame. Will he care if I spit? Will he care if I swallow? Who cares. I’ll decide on impulse when he tells me he’s close and whatever happens, happens! #NoRegrets

What the hell do I do with his balls?

They’re just there. Surely they’ve gotta be involved. Well, there’s not a cat in hell’s chance that I’ll get them in my mouth as well. Do I cup them? There’s 2. I could pretend they’re stress balls. Yeah. Maybe that’ll work. But wait, how do I coordinate this? My hand’s going at it, my mouth’s all over the place and now I’ve got to entertain the balls too? Honestly, a woman’s work is never done.

I have never been so aware of my gag reflex!

Why are you thrusting your pelvis in my face? Does my face look like a vagina? Stop fucking my face! So, right, back to the blow job. I need to figure out a way to get my mouth all the way down without throwing up all over his appendage. Hmm, tricky. I mean, surely I could just twiddle his tip with my tongue and that would have the same stupendous effect? No. Well, looks like deep throating it is. Great. I mean I knew living dangerously was a turn on to some men, but I didn’t realise that the definition of it would be having the unique ability of not being sick during sex. Bravo girls. We’re living life on the edge.

Oh god, how am I meant to breathe?

I certainly can’t breathe through my mouth so let’s cross that option straight off the list. Focus. Focus on breathing through your nose. Oh God. I’m breathing heavily. Does he think I’m trying to smell him? I hope not. Can you breathe through your ears? Is that a thing? I’m sure I read something about that, aaaaaand I’m thinking so much about breathing I’ve forgot to do it, and I’m choking. Wonderful.

What noises am I making?

It is physically impossible to perform a soundless blow job. If you are, you’re doing it wrong. I’m not even talking about moaning and groaning, that’s hard enough when you’re doing a one-woman show AND you have to sound like a porn star too. No, I mean the unintentional slurpy noises you make when you’re going down. I mean, what is that? Does that turn him on? Does it sound like a fish? Oh God. I’m thinking about sealife. Great. He’s getting hard and I’m Finding Nemo.