Let’s face it, the majority of the time, sex is pretty phenomenal. A monumental event where two people explore their physical lust by getting down and dirty, and generally just having a damn good time. However, I think we’re all extremely aware that although sex can be wonderful, there are instances in which people act pretty terribly before, after or even during to put a dampener on the debauchery.
Yes, I know, we’re all human and we do make mistakes, but some just cannot be excused. I’m sure there’s an endless list of pet peeves when it comes to terrible things people do during sex, but I’ve whittled it down to 9 major flaws from experience that really grind my gears, and here’s what they are:
Being Bloody Lazy
There’s nothing more sexy than someone who lays there like a sack of spuds and expects you to do all the work. Wrong. What a turn off. Sex is a two-way street and if the traffic’s only moving in one lane, it’s gonna be a pretty disappointing endeavour. Laziness is an unattractive quality in a person, especially when it comes to love-making, so don’t just lie back and take it. Get stuck in and give give give!
The Head Push
Foreplay is fundamental to a guaranteed orgasm, but I swear to God if you push my head down towards your penis one more time, I may very well bite it off. Sure, a little direction is fine but a constant need to get yourself serviced is a pain in the arse. If I want to pleasure you orally, I will and trust me, it’ll be worth the wait but there’s no rush, and there’s definitely no need to pull on my ponytail.
Checking Their Phone
I’d forgotten. Of course, responding to a text mid-cunnilingus is much more important than giving your significant other a happy ending. Please, continue to make contributions to your WhatsApp group while I take my vibrator to the bathroom and finish myself off. It’s not even about ruining the moment in this instance, I mean it is, but as a whole it’s just bloody bad manners. Believe it or not, that text will still be waiting for a reply after you’ve both had a happy ending so concentrate on instant orgasms, not instant messaging.
Referencing The Ex
“My ex used to do this and it was really good!” Did she? Well, why don’t you give her a call and have her do it for you. Meanwhile, I’m gonna go put a wash on and do a bit of ironing. See ya. Honestly, the last thing a woman wants to hear about is your previous sex life, especially during sex itself. Of course, it’s always good to be honest and discuss your likes and dislikes about the bedroom – outside the bedroom – but be tactful, you don’t wanna hurt someone’s feelings by making shallow comparisons. If you spend enough time together sexually, you’ll soon figure out how to push each other’s buttons without opening the ex files.
Being Left High And Dry
Wow. You’ve cum quickly, that’s good. Oh and you’re kissing me, aaaand you’ve rolled over. So I’m not getting mine tonight? Nope. Okaaaay. A selfish lover is not a force to reckoned with. When it comes to great sex, it takes two to tango and there’s nothing worse than giving your all and getting fuck all. Sex is about pleasing your partner, and being pleasured in return and being left high and dry is a significant sign that you’re in a physical relationship with an egocentric other, and who has time for that?
Faking The Big O
C’mon, sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. If you haven’t climaxed, just say. Faking orgasms is a perfect way to do yourself a disservice, not to mention you’re being pretty deceptive in letting your partner feel as if they’ve done the job and done it well. Conventional wisdom seems to suggest that great sex doesn’t always necessarily end in an orgasm, but that certainly doesn’t mean that it should end in dishonesty!
Calling The Wrong Name
If you do insist on thinking about something or some one else during sex, for the love of God, restrict your vocal chords because there’s nothing more soul destroying than making love and hearing them climax to a name unbeknownst to you. It ruins everything. It’s a safe bet to stick with ‘oh yeah’ and the likes. No one needs that kind of humiliation or embarrassment, your fantasies should remain in your mind and never be brought to light. Hell, why not go nuts and imagine the person you’re having sex with is, the person you’re having sex with. Clever eh?
Checking The Time
Oh, I’m sorry, do you have somewhere to be? Please vacate my vagina and venture off if I’m keeping you from something. Sex is timeless, there’s no limit on how long is should last, so a glance at a clock only makes your partner feel as if they’re shagging on a schedule which is the biggest turn-off going. If the sex is great, you forget about timekeeping and focus on the task at hand, whether you’re going to be late or not.
Acting Without Consent
General sexual acts, a bit of finger play, a kiss on the neck, are pretty standard procedures in the bedroom but you definitely have to offer consent when it comes to more deviant sex. You’ve got to talk about your sexual boundaries – that way you’ll find out the best way to please one other, but you’ll also know the no-go’s when it comes to getting adventurous, because let’s face it, no one wants an up-the-butt surprise without having given the green light.
So there you have it, 9 terrible things that people do during sex and for the love of God, if you’ve fallen in to one of those categories, take a moment to reflect and think “why the hell do I do that?”
