It has come to my attention that those people who are in relationships have quickly forgotten what it’s like not to be in one. The single life certainly isn’t all doom and gloom (hear me out here, I’m living it) but there do come points where you feel a little more down in the dumps than usual about the fact that you’re flying solo. Unfortunately, these feelings are normally brought about by those close to you. Sure, they’re making a solid attempt at being caring and thoughtful but really, their wording just feels like one big kick in the dick – metaphorically speaking of course.
Some people are so encompassed in their own romantic story that in the majority of cases, their love leads to them NOT thinking before they speak. Being single certainly doesn’t warrant a pity party but it seems that some people missed the memo. Yes, we’ve all been there. Whether you’re currently single or if you look back to a time when you were, I guarantee that at least one of these things was said to you, and at the time, you could have killed that person for opening their mouth:
“How’s the love life?”
C’mon you have GOT to be kidding me. You know full well that I spent last night in bed with a pizza and a box set of DVDs. The love life is non-existent and you bloody well know it. At present, my only relationship is with the man who delivers the Dominos and let me tell you, it is going swimmingly.
“Do you ever get lonely?”
You know, it’s funny, when I’m sat in the flat on my own on a Friday night having forgotten what human contact feels like, I definitely feel like the most romantically popular person in the world. Not. Of course I get lonely but I don’t need you to bring them feels out in to the open. Now come on, throw some strong, independent woman shit at me.
“There’s plenty more fish in the sea”
Oh vast oceans, lakes, streams, rivers and reservoirs full of potential partners. Really? Your attempt to morally support my love life has led to you resting on romantic metaphors. You have your fish, and I’m sure somewhere down the ‘line’, I’ll find mine but until then, please, I’m asking you as a friend to spare my sanity – No. More. Metaphors.
“The right person will come along”
Of course. I have spent so much time with my head in the clouds that I’d forgotten reality was very much like a movie. Fabulous, what a weight off my mind. I’m going to delete Tinder, sit in this chair and wait for my prince charming to turn up at my door and sweep me off my feet. In the real world, I suppose I’ll have to put up with meeting tossers in tin foil in the meantime eh?
“I miss being single”
Do you? DO YOU? DO. YOU.
“You won’t need a plus one, will you”
No, I won’t be needing a plus one. I mean, I would have liked the option to bring someone along to accompany me to this wonderful occasion dominated by couples but alas, it seems you have already made that decision for me. I’m just gonna have to suck it up and try not to be the wonderfully weird woman on her own who may be mistaken for a Diane Arbus model.
“Maybe you’re being too picky”
I think you might be right. After all this time, I don’t know why I couldn’t see it myself. I mean, the guy who sent the dick pics before knowing my name definitely should have got at least 3 dates out of me, and the potential serial killer who wanted to be dominated, I mean, who was I not to give him a whirl? Oh and how could I forget, the 4’11” taxidermist with “Mum” tattooed on his rear – I must learn to lower my standards.
“I don’t know why you’re still single”
Really? Sure, I look after myself, I’m hard working and I’m pretty ambitious but let’s be economical with the truth here – I drink too much, I swear too much, I tend to let whatever’s in my head come out of my mouth without any consideration of the consequences, I have questionable morals – wait – I think I answered your question, aaaaaand now I know too. Great. I’m going to die alone.