So a few years ago, back when I was a carefree 21 year old who’d just embarked upon a new career (and was a size 10 might I add), I dated a gentleman who I later referred to as “The Player”.
If you didn’t read about my dating experience with “The Player” – read it here – it’ll put everything into a bit more context for you!
To cut a long story short, I was pretty besotted with the guy until I realised the feelings weren’t mutual as I was ghosted into oblivion. This was the exact point – the very point – in my life, that I realised my judge of character simply wasn’t as sound as I’d hoped. Jonathan had seemed like an incredibly genuine man and on reflection, I was monumentally mistaken as he had played me for the young fool I was.
It saddened me at the time. Okay, I’m dallying with the truth. I definitely recall sobbing into a pillow and being knee deep in Maltesers purely because I was unable to fathom what on earth I’d done wrong to make him stop talking to me completely. It was a sticky situation, and not because of the Maltesers.
Don’t get me wrong. I learned a lot from dating Jonathan. I now know not to wear my heart wholly on my sleeve and leave myself emotionally open to all romantic eventualities. I should remain SLIGHTLY skeptical and enjoy the chase until I’m certain that feelings are reciprocal. Quite sensible, I thought.
I logged on to my laptop earlier this morning. At 7am, my vision seemed blurred and I simply couldn’t see straight. It seems I’d temporarily forgotten that I was long-sighted and needed glasses to see anything up close. I dug my frames out of my bag and perched them on the end of my nose so I was able to scan over any emails I’d received over the late evening and through the night. Normally, they’d be my followers in foreign countries often commenting at their meridian time, and obviously some social media marketing ones thrown in.
However, this time, there was an anomaly, from an email address I failed to recognise. I scrolled my mouse over the unopened mail and clicked to reveal the contents. I’m not sure I’m able to describe my feeling when I saw what was written within the email. It might have been shock, it could have been anger, it was possibly warmth – a mixed bag of feelings to say the least.
“I want to say sorry. I’m sorry for how I was with you after those dates we had. I’m not going to dress it up with some lousy excuse otherwise, as I really was only looking for ‘one thing’ at the time. I was just on a crazy dating binge to try and fill a void in my life after a break-up with my girlfriend of 6 years. I’ve matured a lot since and become an absolute veteran of the dating scene (somewhat weary of it now) and I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. Reading your blog has made me realise how selfish it is to do such things and how childish I was not to be honest with you from the start, so please accept my apology”
It was Jonathan. The Player. He had found my blog, or at least the powers that be (eg. karma) had pointed him in that direction. I couldn’t believe it. Since we’d dated, I’d convinced myself that he was just another dickhead to delete from my mind. To a point, I think I’m probably right. I was sat there reading his email feeling like a used Kleenex at the bottom of the bin that he was digging for now he had no tissues left. Well, I’m sorry pal but not this time. You can wipe your nose on some other poor sod. I mean, he had completely removed me from his life and now all of a sudden, he reappeared with sincerity – that same sincerity he showed the moment we met. Was I really to buy this?
Maybe I was. After all this time, he’d took the time to apologise and yes, at first glance, it seemed slightly audacious but actually, his email told me otherwise. No, before you say it, I’m not reading his words with rose-tinted glasses. I’m a reality girl these days and I think we’d all be foolish to assume that we haven’t acted selfishly at one point or another – it’s circumstantial I guess. Unfortunately, the error Jonathan made was not being up front with me in the first place. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again – honesty is definitely the best policy.
Believe it or not, it’s okay to just want sex, or to just indulge in some carefree dating, or to want a relationship, but whatever it is, you’ve always got to lay your cards on the table. I totally accept Jonathan’s apology. Sure, it’s taken him two or three years to tell me the truth about what REALLY happened but let’s face it, there aren’t many blokes out there who’d put their feelings into words and take the time to send you an apology like that. Maybe my blog put things into perspective for him. Sure, to him, it was just a bit of fun and fumbling, but to me, I saw it developing into something more. It seems at the time, we just weren’t singing from the same hymn sheet.
At the end of the day, we’re human and we all make mistakes but the important thing is to recognise where we went wrong, learn from it and move on – be honest with others and be honest with yourself – that way, no one gets hurt. I certainly won’t be holding a grudge against Jonathan and the way he behaved back in the day because now I know to make sure that everyone knows where everyone stands when the dating (and potential debauchery) begins.
P.S. I really do appreciate your apology Jonathan – sincere or not. I now have it in writing *insert sassy face here*