Doomed To Be Groomed

Nowadays, conventional wisdom suggests that if a woman is to be attractive to the opposite sex, she must be completely bald from the eyebrows down. It certainly seems that this isn’t a choice for most women these days, it’s an expectation and I’m sure I speak for the vast majority of females when I say that grooming is a bloody pain in the arse! Don’t get me wrong, sometimes there’s no better feeling than playing a bit of old school Shania Twain while you’re in the bath and shaving your legs to the rhythm of the music, but when you hop out of the tub and look down to what can only be described as a remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, that’s when the problems arise.

Men think they have it so hard with the whole facial hair thing. Well, obviously not at present now that beards are a thing. Sidenote – I don’t think beards are popular because they are fashionable and on trend, I just think it’s another reason for them to have an extra 5 minutes in bed in the morning. Clever move boys. Seriously though, that’s the only hair maintenance they need in addition to that on their head and let’s face it, a short back and sides is hardly going  put a bloke out of pocket, or time for that matter.

As a woman, this lengthy deforestation process is regular thing and it really doesn’t get it any easier. Smooth, shiny legs are always a great product of your efforts but sometimes, we just want to leave the razor to one side and embrace the whole ‘let it grow’ movement. Of course, we don’t, because it feels and looks better to be a lot less prickly in all areas. Good God, I will never to this day forget my first waxing experience. I walked into the salon, brash as a brush, thinking to myself “surely it can’t be as bad as people make it out to be”. Why, oh why, didn’t I listen to those voices inside my head I spend so much time trying to bury?

“Just pop your leg up for me there darling”, said the beauty therapist. At this point, I was  very aware that I was completed starkers from the tummy down and it wasn’t a concept I was all that comfortable with. I didn’t want anyone gawping at my vagina, but I suppose as it was her job to perfectly preen that area, I gave her my trust as well as my waxing virginity. I looked up at the ceiling. There was no way I wanted to watch what was going on down there, until she ripped off the first strip.

I had never known a pain like it. Not quite childbirth, but definitely worse than stepping on a plug. I glanced to one side and saw that there were 9 more strips ready for the off. This was too much to bear. Could I survive with a patchy downstairs? I persisted until she was done. My God, did it burn. The redness. The stinging. My once perfectly pink private parts now resembled the shade of freshly picked red bell pepper. Oh and let’s not  forget the £50 I was never going to see again. Thank you very much beauty salon for allowing me to pay for services rendered in your red room of pain.

The point I’m trying to make is that grooming isn’t a choice any more, it’s a necessity. Yes, we do it because it makes us feel a hundred times more feminine but we also endeavour to maintain a silky smooth body to keep our men wanting to come back for more. So guys, next time you’re in the arms of a soft-skinned woman, take a moment to appreciate the efforts she’s gone to and the inevitable pain she’s probably endured in the process. I don’t mean thank her, but take it as a compliment that she always wants to look her best for you. Let’s face it – if you got your hands down her pants and your fingers became tangled, you definitely wouldn’t be going in for round 2!

Ladies – I have come to the conclusion that we are doomed to be groomed. Between the shaving and the waxing and the plucking and the threading, there’s no hope for body hair to come into fashion. General bodily maintenance may be an arduous task at times but it’s always worth it because when you look good, you feel good, and when you feel good, well, that’s just bloody brilliant!

This blog post is dedicated to one of my best friends who has recently discovered the bikini wax. Keep at it sister!