It seems that when it comes to knowing about the tell-tale signs of cheating, we all feel we’re experts in the field, however I can comfortably assure you that the majority of us aren’t. Sometimes, we’re just a little insecure, or overthinking, or anxious, or reading between non-existent lines, and we do ourselves no favours whatsoever by doing so. I couldn’t help but wonder, when it comes to cheating, who would REALLY know how to spot an unfaithful partner.
That’s right – Private Investigators.
I hooked up with the guys at Reveal PI, who specialise in investigating the behaviour of unfaithful or cheating partners so they speak to people from all walks of life and at varying stages of suspicion. As we know, with any relationship, a lot of thoughts and decisions we make aren’t logical, they’re emotional, so sometimes when the going gets tough, an objective helping hand is just what’s needed to solve a problem.
The Reveal PI team speak to women almost every day who are either being cheated on or suspect they are being cheated and they, of course, follow it up by investigating those accusations and uncovering the truth. Basically, they are pretty damn good at differentiating between signs a man is cheating and random facts that have led a woman to believe her man is being unfaithful.
I asked the guys at Reveal Private Investigations about what they thought – from their experience – were the top 10 signs to spot a cheater, so here they are, and more importantly, what they actually mean (of course, with a little illustrative help from Brad Pitt, you’re welcome)…
When you’ve got WhatsApp groups pinging, it can be difficult to ignore your phone and the question begs, should your partner have the right to see it? We all deserve some privacy so not sharing passwords is definitely not something to be concerned about! From our experience, we find that the people who are genuinely trying to hide who they are communicating with tend to become very defensive over their phone so they will make excuses like “I’m listening to music in the shower” so they can take their phone to the bathroom, or they’ll wait outside the shop for you so that they can use their phone in your absence, for example. These tend to be the signs that he is using his phone for more than a touch of banter with friends.
Healthy living is becoming increasingly popular so taking up a gym routine again isn’t abnormal and it can be caused by hundreds of factors – not just trying to impress other women. The reason for returning to the gym could genuinely be to put some more effort into their physical appearance. However, we have followed men straight to other women’s houses while they are supposedly at the gym so it can make a great cover story but there are fairly simple indicators that should tell you whether he is lying or not. Be savvy – look for simple things like a gym kit, does he seem sweaty or has he got a sweaty gym kit in a bag? On average, a gym session will last between 1-2 hours but if he is consistently spending 3-4 hours in the gym, you may want to confront him. Remember, changes don’t happen overnight so don’t assume he is cheating because he has been to the gym for 2 weeks and doesn’t have a six-pack yet.
It may be by choice that he has taken on an increased amount of overtime or it may be compulsory, either way, you need to remember that all companies have busy periods and deadlines to meet and it’s not always optional. Using your head can get you a long way when it comes to overtime, for instance, if your partner is a Project Manager then it’s very likely he will at times have an increased workload and won’t have any other choice than to take up overtime. However, if he is a Lifeguard at a leisure centre, there are probably limited times that he could be required to work even if it was busier than usual. We have seen men who work in a regular 9-5 office job claiming they are working on Sundays and bank holidays and naturally, we made trips to their office only to find the lights off and a barricade across the car park. If you are expecting a new child or are looking to save a deposit for your first house then taking on ‘compulsory’ overtime may be a noble way of trying to bring in some extra income.
Friend of a Friend
So after a stag do 3 months ago, your partner became friends with one of the stag’s mates, he doesn’t live nearby, they don’t work together and you don’t have any mutual friends so when he says he is going out with them on Friday night, you know you’re going to have to take it as gospel. The “friend of a friend” is often a very easy excuse because he knows that you can’t cross examine his friends, you can’t ask too many questions because you don’t know them and most of all, you can’t try and catch them out at the Christmas party by asking how that night out on the 4th of August was when he was with your man. Unfortunately, it’s not a FACT that going out with the friend of a friend means he is cheating. We tend to find the giveaway signs are trying to be deliberately vague with details and doing anything possible to avoid speaking about the night or the event. Usually you would expect somebody to share some stories about their night so it’s the quick change of subject when asked that we find is the best indicator.
This is probably the most cliché of all the tell tale signs we hear: millions of people travel up and down the country for a variety of work related reasons. Our investigations have seen people using the “working away” excuse to drive 15 minutes down the road and stay at another woman’s house. They have also seen an awful lot of men staying in hotels in other cities because their job starts at 8am and they need to be mentally and physically on point so a 3 hour commute is not feasible. Signs to look out for are things like packing a favourite shirt when he’s supposed to be plastering or insisting they will do their own washing when they return when usually they would never even consider using the washing machine. Be aware!
Lack of Attention
This is probably the most subjective and unreliable sign that a man is cheating, the actual reason behind this could be one of a million things. Relationships do change and people do become complacent, lazy and comfortable so if your relationship is still in its early stages, we would encourage you not to use this as a sole indicator that he is cheating. Understandably, if this is being exhibited alongside three or four other tell-tale signs, then you should consider speaking to your partner and if that fails maybe look at speaking to a professional – only you can decide – whether that be a dating expert, a friend or a private investigator.
Lack of Sexual Appetite
Yet again, this one is something many of our customers hint at but won’t openly say it until they feel comfortable enough to discuss the fact they haven’t had sex for 6 months. If your partner has always had a low sex drive then you would be irrational to think that this is down to him getting his thrills elsewhere, even seeing a drastic reduction could be put down to a number of attributes. Let’s be honest, neither of you are in the peak physical condition you were when you first matched met and the spark may have faded slightly but this kind of change is actually a very common side effect of stress and depression so try not to jump to conclusions. Of all the accusations we hear, this one has probably been the least successful indicator that you have a cheating husband.
The easiest way to defend against accusations is to react with counter-accusations so it’s very common for somebody who is cheating to become aggressive when accused of something, as the old saying goes “the best offence is a good defense”. Although this issue isn’t something we can really investigate, a lot of our female customers that actually have cheating partners tell us whenever they try to ask questions about their behaviour or activities, their partners make ridiculous claims that they once did something similar and have no right to point fingers. The other common response is “you’re just paranoid or you’re losing the plot, stop looking for things that aren’t there”. This aggression isn’t necessarily displaying how angry they are but more a distraction tactic to stop you from probing. If this is the case you should try speaking to somebody and even if you don’t want to speak to friends or family, you can seek free confidential consultation.
Some couples share every microscopic detail where as other couples don’t, that’s human nature and on some parts a reflection of how close your relationship is. When men start to cheat, they can often feel pressure when talking about the cover story or the time that it happened so they avoid talking about it, you would expect to have a chat about a night out even if it was just general chit chat about enjoying themselves or not. If they don’t want to give details or they seem reluctant to talk about it that could be an indicator that their story won’t match up with the one you have been told. Not speaking about a one-off event could be down to being too drunk or actually having a shit night but when we see this kind of behaviour become the norm it raises suspicion.
If your partner works away frequently and consistently has an excuse why he is unreachable after a certain time, we would seriously consider looking for help. After years of experience working with investigations of this nature, we can confidently say this is the signal we take the most seriously. Some hotels may have poor reception and we all forget our chargers from time to time but if someone always has an excuse for why he cannot be contacted after a certain time, it is probably because he is doing something he doesn’t want you knowing about. Some provide elaborate excuses every time and others try to use the excuse that they need to get to bed at 7PM because they have an early start. This excuse is usually accompanied by what we call the ‘check-in’, this is the phone call you receive early evening where they explain the reason you shouldn’t phone them for the rest of the evening.
“Our experience has shown us that any of these issues in isolation could be attributed to a million different factors but a combination of them is much more likely to be a good indicator. Everybody is different and these indicators may be in your partner’s nature but sudden changes in behaviour – especially drastic changes – are things you should be wary of”
Right, Naomi again here. Pretty insightful stuff eh? I guess what they guys are saying is – ultimately – trust your gut. I guess most of us would find it almost comforting to ignore tell-tale signs that your partner is being unfaithful but I think we definitely all have that basic instinct that deep down, we know what’s really going on, especially when it comes to infidelity. Your emotional side doesn’t want to admit that something untoward might be happening, but your logical side will be telling you that 2 + 2 = 4 and there’s no other option. So be true to yourself if you have suspicions. No one wants to get hurt, but unfortunately, there are some bad people in this world, and it’s better to spot something early on before “shit gets serious”. If you don’t really have suspicions about this – great – you’re on to a bloody winner, but if you do, don’t feel bad. Oh and never forget your worth when it comes to stuff like this… make peace with the fact that karma will definitely come back and bite them on the arse!